March 23

Hey. I have to say I was really nervous sending you this link to these. I don’t know why. Maybe because it’s a dumb secret that I have that I’m writing notes to my ex all the time (but really to myself). I don’t even know if you read anything. I don’t even know if I hope you did or not. I don’t know if you know I’m updating it. I don’t know and I don’t need to. And what I don’t know makes me nervous I suppose.

I watched a video talking about about fear on a spiritual level, and how fear is the opposite of love. In the way that fear can prevent you from being able to love. And I think that sits so true for me. A lot of times in our relationship I was fearful, or worried. I was scared of rejection at some points, I was reserved, I didn’t open up. And it prevented me from loving you fully and how I should’ve been.

I had fears and insecurities that blocked me from showing you the same love you showed me. Because I was more obsessed with those things and how I felt, in turn keeping my eyes off the fact that you needed me there for you first.

I don’t want to fear any more. But I still really do. I’m afraid of a ton of things. I’m scared of failing. I’m scared of losing you for life. I’m afraid of things I have no control over. Because though I don't have control of some things, they still affect me emotionally or psychologically. I worry about these things.

I still miss you, if you couldn’t guess. And keep looking back. Not ready to move forward yet, sorry.

I love you.