April 15

DO NOT RESPOND.

April 2 was supposed to be my last. But I wasn’t ever anticipating to talk again, clear any air or ever have to elaborate, because I thought my message was clear.

I said I wrote 1500 words before cutting it down to 200. That was all facts. This might be pretty long. Just to express all I did last night and maybe some more.

Maybe go back and re-read April 2 because I will be referencing back to that.

I wrote that every queue I could pick up to the stone cold fact that you’ve moved on, I did. We both know there’s more. I don’t know everything about you. And we know there’s other things that would send me through the roof. (Again, being possessive when clearly I have no right to be, please ignore it). But the queues I did pick up on, I took literally and sadly took it to the heart. When you living your life isn’t a personal attack on me.

You had a phone charger in your wall and I immediately was stressed out. I asked who it was because I had never used that one and it was where I normally (your bed guest normally) charges their phone. You got really flustered and ended up telling me “You did not know who used that charger.” For me I can extremely easily attest to any charger in my house very easily. My chargers are in my room, point blank, period. When you stay over (the only person who has slept in my room for years), I may have YOUR charger in the wall or occasionally, my charger to let you borrow. You claimed it was Conner or Justin’s. Which I’m assuming you’ve been hanging out with them more because they obviously weren’t charging their phones in your room the night I stayed over after the bar crawl. Anyways, its a fucking charger. It’s not a crime. You very well may have had someone over using it. So fucking what? But obviously I can’t take a deep breath without overthinking a situation, and how flustered you got had me pretty understanding that it was probably someone’s charger you didn’t want me to know about. Otherwise, you would’ve just told me who’s fucking charger it was. I was curious obviously for the sole fact of me being clingy to you when I have no room to be. But also from a health standpoint. Sorry to bring it up this way but very intentionally, if I knew for certain you were sleeping with other guys, I wouldn’t sleep with you. That can potentially be very dangerous from a sexual health standpoint and of course we both know how mentally damaging that is. Having multiple partners is not particularly how humans were designed to be. It’s very bad. So that’s why I was stressed out over a little fucking charger.

I kind of put the charger thing aside and we went out for drinks. I did have a good time, admittedly. But I guess at some point I saw your phone was on DND. Which weeks ago I knew you were doing that to hide the fact that you were somewhat communicating with Mike. But at this point he was “blocked.” Which only means you were on DND to not get notifications from others, which did hurt my feelings. IT SHOULDN’T HURT MY FEELINGS. Please Audrey understand you’re not a criminal for DNDing your phone. But I am way too weak to handle that. Which is a me problem. DND should not make me insecure or in my feels, but it does and I’m sure that should be on the list of shit I need to work on one day.

Then back at your place you told me about you were supposed to go to Fort Lauderdale that past weekend and that was the moment I really shut down, stopped talking and when you got inquisitive about why I was acting funny. I’m sorry for invading your personal life but we BOTH know Dobler was in Fort Lauderdale that weekend. He posted on TikTok WEEKS prior that he had a place booked and COINCIDENTALLY you wanted to be there the exact same weekend too? I know I probably shouldn’t have known that he was there. I’m sure I probably shouldn’t read into it nearly as much as I do. I’m sure I shouldn’t be stalking your exes. I’m sure I am a crazy fucking bastard FOR stalking your exes. I’m fucking crazy for stalking you. But I am obsessive. I am completely strung out on you and your well-being and your whereabouts and what could possibly be going on in the world of Audrey. Because I’m obsessed. And I’m not close to being over you. We both know that.

Then at some point you were showing me stuff on your phone and your texts popped up and you were texting other men. IDK, could’ve been work, could’ve been just friends. Doesn’t matter, still made me feel a way because I just like understand where your heads at. Again— I SHOULDN’T feel any way about who you’re texting, who you’re pursing, who you’re hangin out with, who’s next. I am the EX-BOYFRIEND. And I am out of the picture entirely. But I still haven’t taken any bit of enough steps to “getting over” you, so every little bit hurts.

Then obviously you had a guy trying to call you. I’m sure that’s someone new, I didn’t see a name or anything but I’m sure I’ve ironically stalked whoever that was on IG—let’s be real. But I was so dead inside trying to pull back all of these fucking emotions I had just experienced within like 18 hours, that it hardly even resonated to be honest.

This was all things that happened in less than 24 hours as of the last time I saw you, before last night, of course. Very clearly, other things have transpired this entire year that have gone into me realizing that Audrey is so done with Tyler. As she should be.

Communicating with certain folks, following a couple dozen different guys, which I stalked today after you left lol… trust me they’re not all for business Audrey. Only trying to communicate with me when you’re really drunk. Obvious things that show you’re done with this.

I’m jealous of a lot of things. After we really broke off right before New Years you were at the club the DAY after. I cried myself to sleep on a couch at 808 like a fucking fool. And you claim your friends had to “Drag you out of the house” the night you met me because you were sad about your ex. But when it came to me as your ex, you went clubbing within 24 hours. That fucking kills me. I’m jealous as shit of your ex. I wish I got that treatment. That makes me really hate him because he got more.

You started communicating with guys just months after we broke off (but still like off & on seeing each other). I couldn’t even imagine hitting up a fucking ex right now. I’m jealous at how you’re able to just say fuck it and LIVE on. I just can’t do that. I just am not strong enough. And I’m jealous of your ability to do that.

WHICH IS OK. I can’t express enough how I’m not trying to shit on you for being moved on. It’s a good thing for you. And it’s actually a great thing at the rate it happened and the timing of it all. You’re in the city now. You’re meeting so many new people, you’re getting a different taste of life which you never had. You’re closer to things that make you YOU: clubs, bars, stores. You couldn’t have timed getting over your ex any better. I’m being so serious.

I’m not shitting on you for turning your page. And I’m not necessarily mad at you for how “fast” you did it. Jealous a bit, yes. But I’m really just mad at MYSELF. Because as we stand your page is turned an has been for a little bit and I can’t IMAGINE and end to this from my POV.

You think I won’t be obsessed with this shit still come spring? LOL. Summer? Nope. Fall? Nope. Holiday season? No, I’ll just be in my feels even more being alone (yikes). No I’m intentionally PLANNING to still be in my feels by then. I’m not gonna be over SHIT for a LONG TIME. I went down a new road that I can’t even imagine going back on. No one’s gonna love me like you did. No one’s ever gonna comfort me like you did. No one’s ever gonna love me, even at my worst like you did. No one ever had before you and I can promise no one ever could after you. I won’t even let a motherfucker get close enough to try. So why would I be in a rush to turn the page on something like that. I’m milking every opportunity I get. Every memory that pops up I just cherish. I have dreams about reliving certain days we had. It’s amazing. I’m not shutting the door on that right now, because I CAN’T. And it hurts like a motherfucker but damn the high is so good for the split second it lasts.

I’m not even fucking TRYING to get over you.

I’m doing nothing to my abilities. I’m not doing a damn thing about anything to even TRY to get over you. I can’t do it and don’t want to do it. And I don’t fucking care how insane that sounds.

That’s that.

I’m sorry for even cuddling you last night of this morning or whatever it was. I have ZERO fucking self control and I should be fucking ashamed. I know you had a lot on your mind but I will remind you of the quote I said last night:

“Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid.”

This quote is completely debated and debunked for being utter horseshit as NOTHING is better left unsaid. But for the sake of your mental sanity and my mental sanity. Let’s put those things to rest. You told me you missed me and you’re fucked up and don’t know what to do. And I’m extremely sorry that I haven’t made this departure easy for you. But it is inevitable. And the best thing possible for you RIGHT NOW. Would be to read this and never ever ever ever think about me again. I know that’s an insane solution and I’m sure it would never work. But you started hanging out with me RIGHT after Branden (TWICE). So possibly think back to that type of stuff and what made you feel better. Find friends and people that will take you mind off this fucking pit I put you in. As hopefully I was able to do when you were in a rocky state after your ex. And next time, I pray it works out for the long way, because you deserve that.

I want to reiterate there is a very very solid reason no one in your life supports you continuing on with me. LISTEN TO THEM. Your people in your life are not steering you wrong. I fucking hate it but one day maybe MAYBE I’ll accept it. Or rather be forced to accept it.

Thank you Audrey. You don’t know how much you did for me. I really wish I could’ve done the same for you. But I wasn’t smart enough to see us crashing before hand. I wasn’t able to provide to you what you need from your true future partner. I’m not the man you need. Not the husband you need. Not the father you need for your kids. Not your partner in crime. Not your best friend. I fucking wish I could live up to even one of those things. But I am blind. I really am. In so many ways.

2000 fucking words holy shit. Sorry about that.

Thank you again Audrey. For every single thing. I need to find a way to stop fucking posting on this goddamn website and stop fucking toying with your mind. I don’t want to get in the way of your healing. I don’t want to get in the way for your future. Your future partner (I know how fucking annoying your exes were when I was your BF). I don’t want to do any of that. But I am having a really really REALLY hard time stopping. I’m addicted and will likely always be.

Thank you again and again. I love you and I miss you. Forever and that will NEVER change.

T