April 2

to Tyler:

This may be my truest writing and potentially my last because investing my heart has led me too far down a path from which I can no longer return.

Lately I have felt I am alone in this universe. Nothing helps. Because the quick remedies are an easy path for more emptiness. Which I can’t afford. I cannot afford to feel more empty. And I cannot afford to lose myself more than I have already.

to Audrey:

I had exactly 1532 words written out for today. The most of any day by far. 1532 words of overcomplicating ideas, just to work myself up. Just to delay swallowing the hardest pill of my existence. So here it is in 206 instead.

You’ve moved on. You have completely moved on. I feel like you brought me over Sunday to express that. Every queue that I could understand, I did. I don’t know where this leaves me. I don’t know where to go. Because honestly, I don’t want to move on. But at this point in our timeline, you have inexplicably done so. I’m sorry for lingering and deterring you from doing it quicker. Because you have more life to live than me (literally speaking) and it’d be unfair to pull you down any longer.

My love for you runs extremely deep and it legitimately always will. But there is no room for me in your situation right now. It will take me forever and a day to really figure that one out, but I’ll try my best some day to do that. That is my promise to you.

I don’t love it. I really actually hate it. But I am forced to accept it.

For what it's worth, I do love you Audrey. And I miss what we had. I miss the person I was when I had an angel like you in my corner. I’m jealous and I’m devastated. But forced to accept it. Keep keeping on.