March 25

I had a rough dream last night. I don’t fully remember what it all was about. But it was obviously centered around you. It’s stupid because it was just a dream but I was really upset I woke up like crying it was weird. But it felt real and you felt real and I at least got to feel that in some way. I don’t see the end of this road of grief. Like when could it ever end? I can’t even escape you in my dreams. NOT that I want to escape you in general—I really don’t. But I know that’s something that has to take place out of respect for you and to help you grow. But I lie to myself and am still holding onto any broken shards of us.

And that is literally the first stage of grief: Denial. I am in a major state of denial. I have a sense that this is a nightmare and I’ll wake up soon next to you and see you and be happy that it’s over. No matter how real I know this is by every bit of logic and every sensible bone in my body, I am clouded. I’m stuck romanticizing how maybe I’ll have another shot and I’ll be perfect for you this time. I believe that I could be THE ONE.

And that is the greatest lie I’ve told, the greatest trick I’ve pulled. And I’m pulling it on me.

Not a happy one today. But I read on some stuff about grief and the stages and think it is important.

A new episode of this show I’ve been watching comes out tonight so I’m kind of excited. I sort of started cutting down weight for my BJJ tournament in May, because I’m dropping to the 160 pound class (not 170 this time), and today I was 168ish which is really great for where I need to be. Even my mom told me that my face looked slimmer the other day which was a really nice compliment.

I miss you and I wish I could just talk to you. For hours. Get lost in conversation or something. I’ve never connected like I have with you. You helped me open up in ways I never could’ve imagined or done by myself. And I just miss your voice. Sucks.

I hope you have a great day. Miss you again.