March 24

I got a memory from a year ago yesterday & today: Your first time coming to 808. You were wearing that orange Maryland crop crewneck. I had a bleach blonde buzz. Summer was low-key starting early. I forget if you worked that night and had to come to 808 after, but by the time you got there, a good bit of people were coming down from drinking and you, Vizio and I were crushing vodka shots. Your first impression on my friends was that you loved to have fun, you were charismatic and live. Frequently it was just me and Vizio who hung and kept drinking so Vizio was so hype to have another person there who didn’t care how late it was, didn’t care about work in the morning or how we’d get home. Someone who wanted to have a great time, no strings attached. That is you. Always looking for a great time.

I look back on those qualities and face the fact that even when you were trying to have a great time, with me, in our relationship. That I held you back from that often. I started fights, was hard-headed as s***, hurt you. Didn’t do things that kept you at peace and helped making a great time possible for you.

Seeing you sad, seeing you hurt, seeing you mad, is so awful. I am so regretful of making you feel those emotions throughout our relationship when you still found positives in life and me. I constantly tore you down from the good vibes you provided. And that was never fair to you.

I reflect on every way I could’ve made our situation better and it kills me that I didn’t do anything about it. It’s a tragedy. And it’s rooted in ignorance. You gave me the keys to your life. You paved the road but I IGNORED it. I didn’t walk the path you created. Ignorance. I knew what you needed from me. I know what you needed. But I ignored things because of my own feelings that I put first. My own fears, insecurities.

And I’m sorry for that. I never wanted you to think I didn’t care. I always did and still do and always will. I was scared. Sometimes I don’t even know what I was scared of. I convinced myself I was giving you my 100% when you felt like it was 1%. I wish I gave you my all. It would’ve been different. I had way more to give to you and I’m embarrassed and ashamed that I didn’t. The way you gave me your all, I just wish I gave you mine.

I’m so sad, I’m so bad. But I feel like I’ve wrote it a dozen times already, I know why things are the way they are now. The unfairness, lopsidedness of our relationship ripped us apart, detached you. And I stand here attached to an idea that is no more.

One day we’ll both be healed in one way or another. And I pray that you find that sooner rather than later. And WAY sooner than me. Because you deserve it. It haunts me and is literally horrific to think about, but I do hope you get there soon.

I love you, and will forever. And for the millionth, I'm sorry Audrey. I never wanted to hurt you.