March 31

I hope you continue to ignore my texts. I don’t know where I was going with any of that.

You were asking me all day what was wrong. Or why I was quiet. And truthfully I was just thinking a whole lot. I felt really awful all day. And you know. You know me better than anyone on this planet has or ever could as far as I’m concerned. You know every little way to bring me up. And the duality of that is you also know every little thing that gets me down.

I feel like I keep tearing myself down by letting things get to my head by feeling possessive in moments where I’m simply not allowed to feel that way. As ambiguous as I’m being I feel like you know exactly what I’m talking about and I don’t need to be specific because I don’t want to. It hurts to and that’s my fault.

“What’s understood don’t got to be explained.”

In the end, I know you were drunk. I know you said you miss me. And of course I miss you so so much. And that’s why I go against every moral I swear I have, and still went over last night. Yes it was great to see you. Yes I would do it all over if you asked again. Because I just cannot stay away and you know that to be true. No matter how hard it hurts. How many tears I shed on the way home, it truly doesn’t matter.

There’s certain things that I can’t handle but I can’t f***ing stay away. It’s self harm at it’s finest but the highs feel so good. I just can’t tell if they outweigh the lows.

I don’t know.